


Ethnologue

by GhostHost



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: 213 things skippys not allowed to do in the army, Crack, Culture Shock, Memes, This is just terrible lol, autobot style, do you know how long its been since Ive written crack?, internet culture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 15:55:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13484850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostHost/pseuds/GhostHost
Summary: A trade with VicenteValtieri--It's Autobot's VS the Internet, and the internet's winning.(Or 36 things Ratchet has banned from the Autobots, courtesy  of Earth.)





	Ethnologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [It Wasn't My Intention](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13479681) by [VicenteValtieri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VicenteValtieri/pseuds/VicenteValtieri). 



> So this started as a drabble trade between VicenteValtieri and I about our favorite robot aliens learning English from the internet and somehow devolved into 213 Things Skippy’s Not Allowed to do in the Army, Autobot Style. Some of which I updated and some of which I blatantly ripped from said list (because you fucking know Sideswipe tried the sock puppet excuse.) No I did not list all 213 haha. Also the first sentence is a direct quote from education.rec that I was too lazy to rephrase.

The Ethnologue catalogue of world languages, which is one of the best linguistic resources, currently lists 6909 living languages.

The most common languages consisted of English, Spanish and Mandarin, and it was those languages the Autobots had chosen to assimilate when they’d woken up on Earth.

The problem, as they’d quickly discovered, is that that there were various forms _among_ those languages. Downloading language sets didn’t provide cultural interpretations for many things, and collecting data among the locals left confusing holes in their understanding of how language on earth worked.

(“If you talk about that fucking anime one more time I’m changing your _Tinder_ bio to Queen Weeb!!” A teenager laughed, walking with her friends.

“You’re one to talk, _puta_! I’ll change yours and add all those eggplant emojis in it!” The teenager to her left shot back, causing the first to gasp dramatically and make a gesture with her hand that didn’t appear to be friendly, but was received with more laughter.

::Did they just...mix languages? Can they do that?:: Red Alert asked over comes, frantically trying to piece together the mess he’d just heard.

::I guess?::  Blaster responded, entirely unsure and mid-search of what the hell an eggplant emoji was supposed to mean.)

In Jazz’s case, downloading the entire internet was a mistake that had left him with a helm ache and a deep seated understanding of memes. It had taken Ratchet the better part of a day to scrub it from the mech’s databanks, with Jazz rattling off more _Vine_ references than actual words for the majority of it. (“Ratchet is that a weed!? I’m calling 911!”)

The twins didn’t exactly fair any better, having stumbled over _Encyclopedia Dramatica_ instead of _Britannica._ Though they hadn’t been overwhelmed by the information like Jazz had, they suffered in that it wasn’t immediately obvious that their entire frame of reference for humans and the spoken English word was completely askew. Thus no one knew their downloads needed corrections. (That is, until Sunstreaker asked an important government official what kind of furry he was and Sideswipe tried to compliment a far more important one by calling him “Daddy” immediately after.)

The entire thing, in fact, rose everyone’s opinions on the intelligence of humans as a species when new Bots repeatedly got caught up in some kind of language-centric bullshit upon arrival. The various impressions it left on each one also colored their opinion of humans differently, showing them in the worst way possible just how varied and adaptable humans were.

(To this day, Wheeljack, Perceptor and Skyfire argued over the merits of _4Chan, Reddit_ and _Tumblr,_ and all three made faces at Cliffjumper’s preference for _9gag._

“Because it’s _stealing content._ ” Perceptor said accusingly, which brought around the 10th argument in as many days over which website was actually original and which was full of no good, credit stealing, _reposters._

Ironhide, having found _Youtube_ first, watched the argument with a smug superiority the people on his chosen website loved to have.)

Those opinions on human intelligence were solidified once they dug a little deeper into internet culture. Humans, Ratchet had decided, had evolved purely through the smartest ones surviving the stupidest things imaginable, a trend that continued to present day.

("Tide Pods!? Those are poisonous! They are intentionally ingesting poison as a _joke,_ Optimus are you _seeing this!?” )_

This all accumulated into Ratchet having an “official” file containing the “official” versions of languages, alongside several comments made by some of their human friends discussing internet culture and why sending GIFs to Decepticons as a taunt was a terribly bad idea.

(Jazz insisting Spec Ops learn every “language” was also not appreciated, though absolutely worth it when one watched Mirage mocked Ravage with endless, poorly photoshopped Nyan Cat GIFS.

Unrelated was the fact this incident was _why_ GIFs were banned.)

By month five of the Autobots stay on Earth, Ratchet had added to this file, until finally, he lost his temper In a spectacular way, that only the CMO could be known for.

It resulted in The List.

The List, styled after a few jokes of its own but effective nonetheless, was titled;

**“Earth Things Ratchet Has Banned From The Autobot Army”**

 

At present time, it lists over 500 things. It has only been hijacked twice, and both times those additional edits were promptly removed. However, one remains, and it is that version that is the most popular,( and widely regulated throughout the rest of Cybertron.)

That version, thus reads:

  1. No one is allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility of their actions.
  2. No one is allowed to let sock puppets take command of their post.
  3. Humans are unqualified for taking over any Autobot post, even if they are smarter than you.
  4. Dabbing is prohibited.
  5. So is planking.
  6. Any meme dance, move, or gesture, is banned while on duty or in front of human officials.
  7. You cannot have dramatic flashbacks to human wars that you were not involved in.
  8. You are not a citizen of Texas, or those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
  9. You are cannot sell humans a “space passport.”
  10. Optimus’s title is Prime; not Space Jesus, Our Alien Overlord, The Tallest, or Sugar Daddy and convincing the humans otherwise will result in brig time.
  11. Rodimus is banned from all Chuck E Cheese's, and most Dave N’ Busters.
  12. You will not tell Bumblebee that wasps are better
  13. Starting a drinking game on how many times Starscream declares himself leader of the Decepticons is in poor taste and absolutely not funny.
  14. You will not insist the reason the prior rule is in place is because Command already has a pool going.
  15. You will not add profiles of mechs into dating websites and then hack them so that Autobots match up with Decepticons.
  16. You will not “throw down” for your “favorite ships” from the resulting matches, either.
  17. Rick Astley’s entire discography is banned, no exceptions.
  18. So is Tom Jones.
  19. You will not commision Wheeljack to make sex toys.
  20. Star Wars is not the history of this star system and Earth is not the only surviving planet with life still on it.
  21. The proper response to an official comm is not the Spongegar meme.
  22. Orders from superiors will be answered with “Yes Sir!” not “Why?”
  23. Are not allowed to drag race humans
  24. If the above rule is broken then you are not allowed to lose.
  25. Do not tell humans that Elvis “went home.”
  26. Playing death metal on full blast is not a proper way to deter Soundwave’s abilities.
  27. You are not allowed to dub over Ultra Magnus’s speeches with Jim Gaffigan jokes.
  28. You are not allowed to refer to Jazz as the “Fun Dad”
  29. Prowl is not the “Mean Mom” either.
  30. You are not allowed to try and “mute” Bluestreak or Blurr with a television remote.
  31. You are not authorized to buy anything from Swindle, including Decepticons or pieces of them.
  32. Jazz is not allowed to give tattoos.
  33. Jazz is not allowed to talk Sunstreaker into giving tattoos.
  34. Our combiners are not called Voltron.
  35. No one is allowed to enter into any official video game competitions.
  36. No one is allowed to start a Dupstep cover band



\--And well, a few hundred more. Although the “official” versions never change, the hijacked ones still have add ons to this day, and vary depending on who got ahold of them. The end however, was always the same and that ending simply said;

“Earth is hard, guys. : ( “


End file.
